The Conversation Between "I Could Meet Her" and "I'm Afraid of Bringing My Ex Along"

Twenty to six in the evening. I sit on the step in front of the shop, grease from the outdoor unit I just took down still on my hands, the sun slanting across the copper dust on my knuckles. The phone shows a photo and a message from Sương, a customer of ten years: "My younger sister, the one I mentioned. She teaches kindergarten. Coffee only, no pressure. Sunday afternoon work for you?"

I am thirty-six, I repair air conditioners, and I am nine months out of a breakup. It has been an hour and I have not replied, and two voices in my head keep talking over each other. I am writing it down here because hearing both is not the same as choosing one.

Willing-to-meet-her: It is only a coffee, one hour, somewhere crowded. Sương says she is gentle, laughs easily. Nine years I have been fixing air conditioners for this whole neighbourhood, and not one month have I sat down for coffee with anyone who was not a customer. What is there to lose in trying once.

Afraid-of-bringing-Vy-along: I am not afraid of her. I am afraid of the chair opposite. Whichever table I sit at, I will know which seat Vy used to take, that she ordered iced milk coffee with little ice, that she laughed with a hand over her mouth. This woman will not have said a word and I will already be grading her. She will not know she is sitting a test, and doing that to someone who has done nothing wrong does not feel decent.

Willing-to-meet-her: That sounds like worrying about her being short-changed. But are you sure it is about her? Or is it that if she comes out worse in the comparison you will feel sad, and if she comes out better you will feel guilty towards the past?

Afraid-of-bringing-Vy-along: ...Maybe both. Nine months on and I still feel like a copper pipe that has been cut but not capped. The gas is still inside, and whoever connects to me will leak. I do not want to leak onto someone else.

Willing-to-meet-her: But nobody is asking you to connect to anything. A coffee is not a contract. If it gets too much, you stand up, say you have a job waiting, and walk back to the shop.

Afraid-of-bringing-Vy-along: And what if I cannot stand up? What if I sit there until the end of the second hour only because my rented room is too quiet to go back to?

Willing-to-meet-her: Then that is something worth knowing. It is not something to be afraid of in advance. Sitting at a table with someone who talks to me, and who is not Vy, that is all. It is not about finding anyone to replace anyone.

Afraid-of-bringing-Vy-along: Then if I go, I have one condition. I tell her one honest sentence, no story attached: "I only recently came out of something." People work out for themselves where to sit.

Afraid-of-bringing-Vy-along: ...There is one more thing I have not said. What I am most afraid of is that she will be kind. That she will ask how I have been, and listen to my answer. It has been so long since anyone sat and listened to me answer a question that was not about which part of the unit had failed. I am afraid I will cry in the middle of the cafe.

Both voices go quiet for a while. Out on the road a motorbike carrying two crates of ice rattles past, the crates knocking together.

Willing-to-meet-her: Then cry. Sunday afternoon, corner table, who has time to look.

Afraid-of-bringing-Vy-along: I am not sure I could bear it. But I can hear that.

I type: "Can you give me until tomorrow morning, Sương?" She sends back a little heart. I stand, load the old outdoor unit onto the bike, and my hands feel a bit lighter than when I sat down. Not because I decided. Because the two voices have finished listening to each other.

If you are also sitting on some step with an introduction you have not answered, your two voices may sound nothing like mine. Some people have only the wanting voice, some only the afraid one, some have both talking at once. None of those is wrong. And there is no deadline set for you by anyone else.

May you have an afternoon where the answer is allowed to arrive slowly.

When to seek professional support

This article is a way of hearing both voices inside you before a small decision. It cannot replace treatment, and I am not promising that listening will end the hesitation or the hurt.

But here are a few signs you should bring to a professional, rather than carrying them alone:

• Sadness or a feeling of emptiness that lasts for weeks, and makes it hard to work, eat or sleep
• You blame yourself heavily over the past, for weeks on end, with no lighter day
• You feel you must avoid being alone at all costs, to the point of doing things you yourself are not comfortable with
• You think about hurting yourself, even if it is just a passing thought

The last point cannot wait. Speak with someone you trust, today. The Emergency Support page explains what holds true in moments like that.

Asking a professional to walk alongside you is not a sign of weakness. Many people do it even when everything looks fine from the outside.

This article was created with AI assistance.