Seven dinners with the TV off

The TV is still on.

Seven in the evening, the traffic report is being read, and the tray holds pumpkin soup, fried mackerel, a plate of boiled greens. Four heads turn the same way, and the chopsticks reach out by habit without the eyes looking down.

I am forty-four, and I work at a bank. At eight dinners in ten at home, I eat while looking up at a screen. Some nights I have picked up a slice of chili without knowing when I picked it.

This article is about seven days I tried one very small thing around dinner. Not to get the family talking, not to teach the kids, only to find out how our table sounds with one noise less.

This is not saying that television is harmful, or that a home that watches TV at dinner is doing it wrong. In some homes the TV is exactly how the family sits together, and that is fine. These seven days are only an experiment, and when the week is over you can switch it back on.

Why I wanted to try, and why I did not want to push anyone

One evening my youngest, in third grade, asked with her eyes still on the screen:

"Dad, what fish is this today?"

"Fish... fried fish."

"Mackerel. Mom said so at the start of dinner, Dad."

Everyone laughed. I laughed along, but inside I felt a little caught out: I was sitting at the same tray as my family and did not know what I was eating.

The easy explanation is that the TV carries me away. True. But thinking back, I saw something different underneath: the TV does not take my dinner from me, it fills a silence I am not used to. That short silence right when everyone has sat down, picked up their chopsticks, and nobody yet knows what to say. I turn on the TV so I do not have to hear it. So if I switch it off without knowing what to do with that silence, the evening will feel heavier, not lighter.

That is why I decided not to ask the family to do anything. I tried it alone, starting from my own share, small first.

Seven days

There are only three rules: one small thing a day, if you forget a day just come back the next one, and the fourth day is an easy day.

Day 1: Only turn the volume down for the first two bites

Exercise: When the tray is set out, turn the TV down to the lowest volume you can still hear, for the first two bites of rice. After that, turn it back up if you like. Time: two minutes.

That first evening I heard the chopsticks touching the bowl. Our home had that sound all along and I had never noticed. My daughter asked why I turned it down, and I said I was trying to listen. Nobody said anything more. Note: easy, two minutes.

Day 2: Switch it fully off for the whole meal

Exercise: Turn the TV off before sitting down at the tray and do not turn it back on for the whole meal. No long explanation, just one sentence: tonight I am trying it off. Time: about twenty minutes, the whole meal.

The first silence was just as I guessed, about half a minute long, and everyone looked down at the tray. My eldest, in eighth grade, asked whether the TV was broken. My wife laughed. Then my youngest told a story from school about a classmate who spilled ink, a short one, wedged between two bites of egg. That meal I remembered the mackerel. Note: if the whole family objects too much, switch it back on and try again tomorrow. Like eating a meal without your phone, this needs nobody's agreement first.

Day 3: Listen for two sounds on the tray

Exercise: You do not need to say anything. Just notice two sounds: one close by, like chopsticks touching a bowl or someone sipping soup, and one farther off, like the ceiling fan or a motorbike in the alley. Time: the first five minutes of the meal.

I heard the ladle in the pumpkin soup, my son chewing raw greens with a crunch I could clearly hear. In the alley someone was pouring water into the gutter. I said none of this out loud. Note: this day has only one job, listening.

Day 4: An easy day, leave the TV on and notice just one dish

Exercise: Today, just leave the TV on and eat as usual. Pick one dish on the tray and taste three bites of it carefully. Time: one or two minutes.

I picked the mackerel. The TV was showing a shampoo ad, and I chewed slowly for three bites and found the fish saltier than usual and the skin crispier. That is all. Note: a rest day, nothing here can go wrong.

Day 5: Each person names the dish they liked best

Exercise: About halfway through the meal, ask the whole family one question: which dish was the best today? Nobody needs to answer at length. Time: three minutes.

My youngest picked the egg. My eldest thought for a while and picked the soup, which surprised everyone because he usually hates vegetables. My wife picked the fish, because that day I had braised it. I sat listening without preparing my own answer, like listening without composing a reply, only this time listening about food. Note: the question is only about what is on the tray, not a way to make anyone open up. If someone does not want to answer, that is fine.

Day 6: Sit five more minutes after the last bite

Exercise: When you finish eating, do not clear right away. Sit five more minutes, drink a cup of water, and listen to the house. Time: five minutes.

My wife said why sit, the grease will set on the bowls. I said the bowls are not going anywhere. The two kids ran to their room after two minutes, which left the two of us side by side with two cups of water, listening to the air conditioner hum. It had been a long time since I sat at the dinner table without needing to get up and do something. Note: five minutes is short, the dishes will wait.

Day 7: Look back and choose

Exercise: Tonight eat whichever way you like. After the meal, write three lines on your phone or a scrap of paper: what was different this week, what was not, and what you would like tomorrow evening to be. Time: five minutes.

I wrote: our table has the sound of chopsticks. My youngest likes to tell stories while she eats egg. Two days I forgot and turned the TV on as usual. There is no score for the week, only those three lines. Note: whether you turn it back on is your decision.

If the TV stays on, or the family does not take to it

On the second day I ruined it once. After switching off the TV, I turned to my kids and said: see, is it not more fun without TV? My youngest looked at me for a second, then looked down at her food, silent. I felt my words land on the tray like something breaking. It was tempting because I wanted credit for the experiment being worthwhile, but it turned dinner into a grading session, and the family felt graded. Instead, I changed only my own part and let them notice or not.

The first common reason: the family does not go along, or there is a show that one person absolutely must watch every evening. That deserves respect. Do not push. Try just your own share: eat the first bite without looking up at the screen, or choose a weekend breakfast, where the TV is rarely on.

The second common reason: the first silence is heavier than you expected, and you feel uncomfortable. That is normal too, and it does not need solving right away. You can put on a soft piece of music, or just sit through it for thirty seconds and then ladle the soup. If what is hard sits deeper than the dinner table, this exercise cannot untangle that, and you do not have to carry it alone.

Tonight, before you pick up your chopsticks, try seeing where the remote is lying.